Does Your Love-Life Need Intensive Care?

by Nancy Nehlsen, Editor-in-Chief, Boomerful.com


Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so of course every woman’s magazine has a helpful article about how to put the romance back into your stale, old relationship that’s limping along with the fervor of a teenager locked in a room with a stack of Encyclopedia Britannica. Before you write love notes for every day of the week, or put your lipstick imprint on his boxer shorts (causing a plethora of laundry challenges later), think carefully about the basis of your relationship.

My husband and I have spent 20 years in a loving, sexually-satisfying relationship. It is important to note that “sexually satisfying” can mean different things to different people. To some couples a sexually satisfying relationship requires a wide variety of gadgets, videos, positions and even partners.  We are not one of those couples. Call our sex life low-key. Or, those of you who find yourself described above, call our sex life a fairly effective sleep aid – if you happen to be watching. But it works for us, so if you are one of the aforementioned couples, just mind your own business.

Whatever you choose to call us, you can imagine that whips, chains and super sexy skivvies are not our thing. At least they weren’t until Valentine’s Day of 1999. The kids were young, our lives were overscheduled, and sex had taken a back seat – actually it was lingering at the emergency exit. Being the take-charge woman I am, I decided to put the zing back into our lackluster sex life. I, like you, had read Cosmo long enough to know that a man has 13 erotic buttons, all of which can be successfully pushed if you are wearing a leather corset paired with a lace garter belt or delicate crotchless panties.

I paid a visit to the Playful Adults Erotic Lingerie Emporium, featuring over 3000 seductive corsets, bustiers, thongs, baby dolls and teddies. It would be an understatement to say that my eyes were opened. My eyes were actually popping out of my head. Who knew people would go to such lengths to attain an experience that lasts between 4 and 15 seconds in women, and roughly three nanoseconds in men. I put my head down, lifted my hood over my face and began digging through the bustier rack.

I quickly found a demure little number, a white lace corset with tiny red hearts strategically placed at the points where the garters connect. The matching white fish net stockings and tasteful thong, the width of my shoe lace, completed the look. I would strike such passion into my husband’s loins that – well, who knew what might happen.

That night I sent the kids to bed early and slipped covertly into the bedroom to prepare. I knew better than to look in the mirror. This was not the kind of outfit I had ever remotely considered wearing. The feminist side of me found it ridiculous, the wifely side of me thought it necessary to push the thirteen buttons. I took a deep, uncomfortable breath and called Doug away from the Bears’ game to our secret sexual rendezvous.

When Doug opened the door to find me leaning seductively against the dresser it was hard to tell what thoughts were going through his head. The slight frown could have indicated disbelief, disenchantment, or that he simply didn’t recognize me. Suddenly I felt ridiculous. I was standing in an outfit that was completely out of character for me, my potbelly protruding between the bottom of the corset and the top of the thong, awkwardly trying to strike a pose that felt natural in this situation. 

Doug was quick to recognize my expectations of him and attempted a passionate grab. Because I had decided on a pose that had one toe pointed and balancing in a ballet position, I fell backward, grabbing for anything within range to regain my balance. Doug grabbed for me, trying valiantly to retrieve my dignity as he awkwardly flung me onto the bed. We toppled onto the comforter, striking positions that implied lust as we made the arbitrary passionate gasps and grabbed at each other’s clothing. 

No matter how we grabbed and gasped and tried desperately to let the waves of passion overtake us, the waves were nothing more than ripples, and we were both becoming more and more embarrassed by the futility of the exercise. Not only had I not pushed all thirteen buttons, I couldn’t even seem to get a crank start. It just wasn’t “us” and it wasn’t working.

So, all of you couples who are into gadgets, videos, positions and other partners are probably saying, “How could you waste a perfectly good lace corset, not to mention an evening with the kids in bed early?” Well, it wasn’t entirely wasted. We stopped, we giggled, and we discussed what really turns us on. Unfortunately for the $49.95 I paid to dress like a demure hooker, it wasn’t sexy lingerie. It was holding each other when we had put the kids to bed and could hear their breathing as they slept. It was listening to music together while we talked and talked over a glass of really good wine. It was seeing the other step out of the bath, dripping wet, and suddenly want to put our arms around them. It was stopping to remember what we had shared, from the joy of our children, to the grief of losing a parent, to supporting each other in every business endeavor.

Every couple has their very own list of turn-ons. Some are more blatantly sexual than ours. The white lace corset certainly works for many. The lipstick imprint on the boxer shorts may even work for some. But, the point is, you need to figure out your own personal list of turn-ons. Then surprise your sweetie with something that truly works for your relationship. Just make the effort to put the zing back into your sex life. And, if you think it would work for you, remember … Playful Adults Erotic Lingerie Emporium.

Comments

[Melina Papadakis]

So Nancy, where exactly IS the Playful Adults Erotic Lingerie Emporium?

I need SOMETHING to get Dimitri's eyes off the TV!!!

[GlamSpiritKristen]

Nancy - what a story! Wonderfully told, and with a touching point. It sounds like you have an incredibly loving and fulfilling relationship, as well as a great sense of humor.

Oh, also ... can you send along a list of those thirteen buttons? ;)

[Nancy Nehlsen]

If I told you where the buttons were, Kristen, you wouldn't have the fun of the hunt!

[GlamSpiritKristen]

Ahh, yes... I'll start searching! ;)