Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Manners are the happy way of doing things." He didn’t say, "Manners are the happy way of having sex." But I think we all know what "doing things" means to a man, don’t we?
I’m not talking about saying, "please" to your partner before the act, or "thank you so very much" when you’ve finished. I mean courtesy and consideration before, during and after.
Men get better at bedroom etiquette as they get older, but even at this age I have experienced the rare occasion where my husband has reached for a body part that does not belong to him as if he has every right to manhandle it for his own enjoyment. Even though my instinct is to slap his grabby little hand and say, "Mine!" I resist the temptation for fear of hurting his feelings, or worse yet, being labeled a cold fish.
I’ve heard women complain about this behavior as an example of men not being "romantic." I think it’s just bad manners. Would you grab a handful of someone’s French fries without asking? No, of course not! So why would you grab a handful of someone’s private parts without getting at least "implied" permission? I don’t expect a formal, "Excuse me, but do you mind terribly if I manhandle your nipple?" But a thoughtful warning that that’s where he’s headed would be nice, followed by a short pause for feedback.
Before you all start chiming, "Amen, sister" in unison, I’ll tell you that it isn’t completely one-sided. I have had plenty of conversations with women that indicated a less than mannerly response to their husband’s advances. One woman I know said she greeted her husband’s morning poke in the back with a sharp, "Get that g-- d---- thing away from me!" Now really! If you want to be treated with courtesy you really do have to be courteous yourself.
I have also some had men tell me that their wives compared their "manliness" to an ex-lover’s. That‘s rude. Or that their lover actually took a phone call in the middle of their fervor. One female friend admitted that she vocalized concerns about whether she had remembered to turn the heat down in a moment of intense passion. Apparently the intense passion belonged more to him than to her. I would bet money that we all have those thoughts in the throws of passion occasionally. Did I leave a check for the cleaning lady? Did I remember to fill the dog’s water bowl? Did I forget to brush my teeth?
These are even more common in the over-50 stage of our lives than they were when we were 25 and could enjoy sex with abandon – and remember it clearly.
But the point is – common courtesy on both sides just makes sex way more fun – especially for us older folks. Men need compliments more than ever. You don’t have to shriek, "Oh you stallion! You ride me like a cheap pony!" to massage his fragile, aging ego. A simple, "You make me feel so good" or "I love how you make love to me" actually works better if you haven’t already established a pattern of orgasmic hysteria.
And I think women become far more concerned with practicality as we get older. I still want to thrash around like an animal. But I don’t want the mess afterward. A really polite husband or lover keeps a stack of neatly folded wash cloths next to the bed.
I still want to be "taken" by someone who is so passionate they can't keep their hands off me. I just want the three minute warning so I know what to expect. And even though I said this wasn’t about saying "please" and "thank you," there’s a warm and appreciative feeling that absolutely overwhelms me when my husband cuddles up next to me after a good romp and says, "Thank you, darling. That was wonderful."
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