Well Past 50: The Weblog of Boomerful.com

Safe Sex: Affection with Protection

A few months ago, a PR company representing Lifestyles Condoms contacted us. Of course, we want our readers to stay informed about safe-sex practices, so we agreed to check out their latest products. We gave the assignment to a writer who wished to remain anonymous, and this is her report…

Condoms: What A GIRL Wants

Single after more than 20 years of marriage. After the divorce, the idea of using a condom was unthinkable. I mean, how hard was it going to be to get TO sex in the first place, much less become adept at applying a condom? Most importantly, how in the world was I going to convince some guy that I wouldn’t have sex without a condom, when I really didn’t like the idea of using one myself?

My sense of the divine paradox was tested when I was offered the opportunity to "test" several different condom styles by Lifestyles Condoms and write about them … from the point of view of the WOMAN: What a Girl Wants! Fortunately I had a man in my life again at that point (couldn’t really do the testing without him), and he happily agreed to participate.

Lifestyle Condoms sent not just one of each style they offered, but entire boxes of nine different condom styles. The styles they sent were:

1. Flavors

2. Ribbed Pleasure

3. Ultra Thin

4. Mega

5. Studded

6. Warming Pleasure

7. Warming Pleasure Packets

8. Sheer Pleasure

9. Ultra Sensitive

I also received a Vibrating Ring, which we soon learned was a fabulous invention – a good choice for when your partner is tired.

The Ultra Thin, Sheer Pleasure and Ultra Sensitive all must have been designed with the man in mind, although my partner was less than enthusiastic about them. Since this blog is about what a GIRL wants, I suggest skipping those in favor of the more exciting varieties.

My Top Choice: WARMING PLEASURE PACKETS

These are condoms that come with a separate packet of warming gel. I found this combination especially delightful. There is also a Warming Pleasure condom all-in-one, with the gel already applied (we preferred the separate packets).

His Top Choice (and My Second): STUDDED

The extra texture was exciting, and he enjoyed it, too. He felt it was much more of a shared experience than a regular condom.

Coming in Third for Me and Second for Him: RIBBED

This time, the added texture didn’t have that much of an impact. But it was definitely more pleasing than a plain condom.

I wasn’t impressed by the Mega condoms, but I actually liked the taste of the banana-flavored condoms – not too sweet or bitter.

After more than a year of being single, what I have learned is this: Condoms are a fact of life. Don’t consider any other way, unless you are really monogamous and have both been tested. If you are in bed with a guy and he doesn’t have the guts to use a condom … or he tries to convince you that one isn’t needed … RUN. He is not worth a conversation, much less your body fluids and possibly your life.

Besides, you can arrive equipped with Warming Pleasure Packets! WHOOPEE!!!

A One-Night Stand with Brad Pitt

Do You Want a One-Night Stand with Brad Pitt …

Because Your Husband Has Gone to Pot?

Baby Boomer women care about their looks … and sometimes they worry about how well their looks will withstand the passage of time. But what about HIS looks? Do you find yourself fantasizing about some movie star, athlete or other celebrity because your significant other has let himself go?

Fortunately, my husband is in pretty good shape, so I haven’t started fantasizing about George Clooney … yet! But I have dream-George on standby, in case hubby picks up a little winter weight (just kidding, Doug!). What about you? Has your significant other taken on some significant blubber? Have you found yourself crying out, “Oh, yes … yes, Antonio! I mean, Henry!” Tell all … and feel free to change the names to protect the portly!

 

Sex and Manners

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Manners are the happy way of doing things."  He didn’t say, "Manners are the happy way of having sex."  But I think we all know what "doing things" means to a man, don’t we?

I’m not talking about saying, "please" to your partner before the act, or "thank you so very much" when you’ve finished. I mean courtesy and consideration before, during and after.

Men get better at bedroom etiquette as they get older, but even at this age I have experienced the rare occasion where my husband has reached for a body part that does not belong to him as if he has every right to manhandle it for his own enjoyment.  Even though my instinct is to slap his grabby little hand and say, "Mine!" I resist the temptation for fear of hurting his feelings, or worse yet, being labeled a cold fish.

I’ve heard women complain about this behavior as an example of men not being "romantic."  I think it’s just bad manners.  Would you grab a handful of someone’s French fries without asking?  No, of course not!  So why would you grab a handful of someone’s private parts without getting at least "implied" permission?  I don’t expect a formal, "Excuse me, but do you mind terribly if I manhandle your nipple?"  But a thoughtful warning that that’s where he’s headed would be nice, followed by a short pause for feedback.

Before you all start chiming, "Amen, sister" in unison, I’ll tell you that it isn’t completely one-sided.  I have had plenty of conversations with women that indicated a less than mannerly response to their husband’s advances.  One woman I know said she greeted her husband’s morning poke in the back with a sharp, "Get that g-- d---- thing away from me!"  Now really!  If you want to be treated with courtesy you really do have to be courteous yourself.

I have also some had men tell me that their wives compared their "manliness" to an ex-lover’s.  That‘s rude. Or that their lover actually took a phone call in the middle of their fervor. One female friend admitted that she vocalized concerns about whether she had remembered to turn the heat down in a moment of intense passion. Apparently the intense passion belonged more to him than to her. I would bet money that we all have those thoughts in the throws of passion occasionally.  Did I leave a check for the cleaning lady?  Did I remember to fill the dog’s water bowl? Did I forget to brush my teeth? 
These are even more common in the over-50 stage of our lives than they were when we were 25 and could enjoy sex with abandon – and remember it clearly.

But the point is – common courtesy on both sides just makes sex way more fun – especially for us older folks.  Men need compliments more than ever.  You don’t have to shriek, "Oh you stallion!  You ride me like a cheap pony!" to massage his fragile, aging ego. A simple, "You make me feel so good" or "I love how you make love to me" actually works better if you haven’t already established a pattern of orgasmic hysteria. 

And I think women become far more concerned with practicality as we get older.  I still want to thrash around like an animal.  But I don’t want the mess afterward.  A really polite husband or lover keeps a stack of neatly folded wash cloths next to the bed.

I still want to be "taken" by someone who is so passionate they can't keep their hands off me.  I just want the three minute warning so I know what to expect.  And even though I said this wasn’t about saying "please" and "thank you," there’s a warm and appreciative feeling that absolutely overwhelms me when my husband cuddles up next to me after a good romp and says, "Thank you, darling.  That was wonderful."

Re-igniting the Fire

Is sex as important in our fifties, sixties and beyond as it was when we were 30? 
Absolutely! But for very different reasons. From the time a guy is 16 (some guys say 12, but I think they’re bragging), they have an absolute need to procreate. That ends about the time we have finished raising the children and struggling with the challenges of careers, and finally have time and interest in re-igniting the passion in our relationship

Women have the nesting instinct kick in some time in our early twenties and spend 90% of our spare time taking quizzes in Cosmo that will help us find the exact spots on our mate to drive him to sexual fervor. It’s only later that we find out that those spots include every inch of his body from the earlobe to the ankle bone. Our interest in sex ends when we look in the mirror and see a body that does not belong to a Cosmo cover girl.

So why is sex as important later in life as it was when it was a biological necessity? Because we suddenly have the rest of our lives to spend with someone we no longer know as a sexual being. We have watched him revert to childhood as he tried learning to skateboard with the kids, heard him utter expletives we never thought would come out of his mouth, and saw him sob uncontrollably over the loss of a beloved pet. The passion has been replaced with comfort and understanding.

You are faced with a new beginning with this person you began calling “Daddy” a long time ago.  This is a guy you stopped exploring and started making lists for – lists of household chores, groceries and Little League schedules. We forgot the spots Cosmo told us about by now. We may not even know what turns him on today, as opposed to what turned him on twenty years ago.

He has lost much of his sexual appetite. We have lost the confidence of knowing that the very sight of our body will drive him wild with desire. He feels slightly inadequate. We feel slightly undesirable.  We are once again perfectly matched. Re-igniting our sexual desire for each other could make our later years together more exciting, as well as more intimate and loving.

It takes more work at this age. But it is rewarding on many more levels than when it was based strictly on biology. It’s worth the time it takes to get it going on a whole new level. Try some simple changes in your habits and lifestyle and watch what happens. 

Start exercising together. Exercise makes everything work better, increases women’s responses to sexual stimuli and makes you both feel better about your bodies. Men are far less likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction if they exercise frequently. Exercise also reduces joint and muscle pain – a huge deterrent to sexual gymnastics.

Find times for non-sexual touching. Make it a habit to touch him when you’re talking to him.  Snuggle on the couch or put your arm around him when you get into bed – without expectations.  Letting him know you just love touching him can cause a surge of interest to his libido.

Use sexual enhancers like warming gels. One gel by Lexxus International, called Alura, tingles and warms on contact, and is especially effective for many women when used daily. There are dozens of these gels available, and it’s worth experimenting to see if one works for you.

Create special evenings together that feature sexy music, no TV, and sensual foods. Some of my most memorable dates involved foods that helped create an erotic mood. Crab legs that require slimy fingers to eat them; or ripe, luscious strawberries dipped in dark chocolate, somehow stimulate an interest in sex.

Remember those sexy spots you read about in Cosmo all those years ago. They are far more important now than they were when his body was a sexual volcano. Experiment all over again to find the things that please you both. With kids gone and careers winding down it’s like a brand new relationship. And remember how much fun those were!

Sex, Guys and Foreplay - Getting Satisfaction Past 50

Recently we ran a survey of readers to find out more about the issues of interest to them. We asked questions about their favorite getaways, women who have inspired them and, yes, their sex lives. After reading so many articles lately about how “hot” we 50+ women are, I fully expected a flood of responses telling me that sex now is better than ever – wild and uninhibited! Boy, was I wrong.

Many women described a waning sex drive, little communication with their husbands, and even answered simply, “no longer interested." I started asking friends the same questions and got the same responses. “Neither of us are interested like we used to be," and, “We’ve never really talked about it," were common answers.

I love developing theories. From the conversations I was having, I began to develop a theory: As liberated as we thought we had become in the ‘60s, we didn’t liberate ourselves from our mothers’ beliefs as much as we would like to believe.

Many of us who burned our bras (or applauded those who did) have spent our lives having sex when we didn’t really feel like it, not demanding the foreplay we required, and faking orgasms - because it makes our mates feel good.

Before you get defensive, I know there are many of you who have openly discussed your sexual needs with your husbands, and bluntly pointed out that it wasn’t that good for you from time to time. But many of us have put THEIR egos first. After all, their egos are so darned fragile.

Now our sensations are less intense than they once were, and we have no idea how to tell “our men” what we need them to do to rev up those senses again. It may not be that they are insensitive louts. It may be that they believed our signals all along and thought they were doing just fine in the sex department. If it worked then, it should work now. And, instead of explaining that we require more foreplay and a different style of lovemaking, we just decide it’s no good for us anymore and reject the whole idea.

Of course, many women said their husbands weren’t able to perform, or seem to have lost interest themselves. That doesn’t mean they don’t love us and want to make us happy, does it? I think if sex is still important to us, most men would gladly make the effort to cuddle, stroke, fondle, and do whatever we want them to do to satisfy our very own selfish pleasure.

We’re all grown up now, and “don’t have that many shopping days ‘til Christmas." We need to get over ourselves, be willing to drop our puritanical hang-ups and say, “Honey, here’s what I need you to do for me.”  And, don’t worry – it won’t just be for you. I guarantee, if you have a husband who loves you (and if he’s with you at this stage in life, he probably does) he will feel like a brand new man if he is once again able to bring you the kind of pleasure you’ve been fantasizing about. He’s a good guy, right? Give him a chance, and give yourself the opportunity of a lifetime – more years of satisfying sex.

Men and Women Agree: Sex is Better After 50

I found this article on Third Age.com about mens sex lives after 50.  The site also has a great sex section on how to give your sex life a boost and enjoy more intimacy with your partner.

Seasoned Woman's Network

Passages author, Gail Sheehy, has produced another groundbreaking book, Sex and the Seasoned Woman. Not only touching on the obvious topic, Sheehy is ready to break open "a new universe of lusty, liberated women, some married and some not, who are unwilling to settle for the stereotypical roles of middle age."

Sheehy also has a separate Web site, The Seasoned Woman's Network, that hosts a reader's guide and if you register you can participate in message board discussions.

Sex Drive in High Gear with Hormone Replacement Therapy

After menopause the worst thing I could have imagined happened to me. My sex drive diminished.

Oh, they told me it would happen, but I didn’t believe them. Not ME! I have always enjoyed sex a great deal. I have always understood the usefulness of sex in solving minor problems in my marriage…helping my husband understand and embrace my point of view without diminishing his adoration for me. I prided myself in the fact that I had NEVER rejected my husband’s advances – and never wanted to. I had never had a headache or been too tired. Now, both were actually true more often than not.

When I poured my heart out to my gynecologist about my lack of interest in sex and, worse yet, my inability to orgasm, she explained that these things were to be expected in menopausal women. 

“How long will it last?”  I asked hopefully.

“Oh, it won’t go away,” she explained. “That’s just part of the aging process. But there are some good lubricants on the market and you can still enjoy the intimacy with your husband, if not the physical excitement.”

Intimacy, Shmitimacy! I wanted the physical excitement. Famous French author and seductress Colette didn’t even begin her renowned seduction techniques until she was nearly fifty. Mae West was 70 when she entranced a young chorus boy with her sexual wiles. I wasn’t giving it up just because I passed the menopause milestone.

My friend, Sue, had raved about the overall health benefits she had been getting from Bio-identical Hormone Replacement, prescribed and administered by a physician in the Chicago area. One of the most interesting results of balancing her estrogen and testosterone was an awakened (fully awakened) sex drive. I didn’t feel that I could invest the time or money to visit her physician. Besides, it wasn’t good health – just good sex – that I wanted.

However, I found a compounding pharmacist in our area who could test my hormone levels and compound the correct amounts of estrogen and testosterone with a doctor’s prescription. I called my doctor and asked her to humor me. She wrote the prescription and I started applying the prescribed creams daily.

The pharmacist told me it would take about three months to work (why does everything good take so much time?). After almost exactly three months I started to feel an unfamiliar feeling. No, wait, I did recognize it – I was horny. I rushed my husband to the bedroom and began to test my newly balanced hormones. Does everyone remember the moment in the movie, Young Frankenstein, when Madeleine Kahn bursts into song with, “Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you!”? 

My sex drive and my ability to reach orgasm returned to normal, or beyond, and with the lack of inhibition that comes with age, sex is better than ever. I would love to know if anyone else has tried either Bio-identical Hormone Replacement, or just testosterone replacement and how it worked. Let me know so I can share it with others – and soon we’ll teach the world to sing!