The Age of Flirting

Bill and I were lovers when we were young. We were also friends –  a rare combination when you’re young. We enjoyed sitting by the fire and talking all night as much as we enjoyed our physical relationship. That was thirty years ago. The friendship remained intact, despite its dramatically reduced intensity, and the demise of the physical aspects of the relationship.

I received an email from Bill a couple of weeks ago asking me for information about an old friend. He closed his email with a teasingly suggestive remark, typical of his flirtatious humor. I knew he wasn’t serious. And then again…maybe he was. Was he or wasn’t he? The question played over and over in my mind, making me feel downright giddy.  Maybe it really was possible for a charming ex-lover to harbor a tiny spark of desire for me, even at MY age. The feeling was fleeting, but it was great while it lasted. 

When we were young, flirting was for tramps only – those girls who promised something the rest of us were not about to deliver. When we got a little older it became the prelude to a relationship – throw out the line and reel them in. That’s when we realized how much fun those “tramps” had been having.

Then somewhere just past “maturity” flirting began to feel stupid. How can you be coquettish when your dimples have disappeared into a thick layer of jowls? How can you look up seductively through your long, mascara-coated lashes when mascara now causes your eyes to tear. And coquettishness is nearly impossible to achieve when you’re looking coquettishly over your readers, which are necessary if you want to see the recipient of your flirtation up close. So we simply allow jowls, teary eyes and readers to make us feel unattractive and unworthy of any self-respecting hunk’s flirtation. 

Yet new research shows that we may be underestimating our own flirtation potential. Synovate, a global research company, recently conducted a poll to determine whether “older” women are as attractive to men as their younger counterparts. Forty percent of men in 12 key markets said they consider us just as hot as those skinny young things who don’t even know how to spell jowl.

German men in particular think older women are “simply gorgeous."  Greek and Italian men find the weight gain that seems to occur like magic after age 40 to be the least attractive aspect of aging in women (have they looked in a mirror?).  Virtually none of the respondents found wrinkles or gray hair to be a hindrance to beauty. So much for the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on wrinkle creams, a contour thread lift, and drums of hair dye.

The most appalling finding, in my opinion, was that a quarter of women over 55 stop buying cosmetics. Now?  When we need it most?  Thank heaven, 20% of us are trying our best to fight the belief that after 50 we should accept the old adage, “beauty comes from within.” We’re buying more cosmetics than we did when we were young.  But regardless of how many cosmetics we are or aren’t using they think we’re hot, sexy and beautiful at any age.

Men have told us this before. They insist they don’t notice that we have more crow’s feet than we had last year, or that our hair doesn’t gleam in the moonlight anymore. We just refuse to believe them. But, this is research! They weren’t trying to avoid a confrontation when they filled out the surveys. Maybe it’s time we started to realize that our obsession with aging is based on our own feminine attitudes about beauty – not what we perceive the male attitude to be.

And if we can believe that they still think we’re attractive, maybe we can get back to what we did so well in our twenties and thirties – flirting!  Nothing will reinforce our belief that we’re still attractive faster than a man responding positively to a sideways look and a smile, or a touch on the arm when you talk to him.  A little bit of tasteful flirting (no rubbing ankles under the table) keeps us, and them, feeling good about our sexuality. It adds some zing to our lives. It makes us a little more interested in our husbands if someone else shows an interest in us.

I’ve seen my mother (83, going on 30) brighten up when the single neighbor jokes that he’s waiting for her to go out on a date with him. She gets that familiar sparkle in her eye and the unmistakable lilt in her voice of someone who appreciates someone making her feel attractive. And I’ll bet money she goes home and cozies up to Dad a bit more invitingly than before.

Flirting is a technique invented by nature for all animals to test the waters and see who would be an appropriate mate. Dog’s do it, ferrets do it – it’s natural, healthy and fun. It’s also a wonderful way to stay in touch with our sexuality and make ourselves remember that those German men are right – we may be older but we’re still “simply gorgeous."