When I was a kid I thought manners were something you acquired naturally as you grew up. All adults seemed to know how to set a table properly. They used their utensils in the right order, and never snorted milk through their noses. I assumed I would learn how to move like Cinderella at formal occasions, impressing everyone around me with my grace and elegance, as soon as I reached a certain magical age.
I thought that right up until my new boyfriend took me to a college event so formal that there were ten utensils surrounding my plate, which sat on top of another plate. There were five glasses, and the salt was not in a shaker, but in a tiny bowl with a tiny spoon. I was paralyzed with fear. A new boyfriend, and I didn’t have a clue how to eat my dinner. So I used a skill I had mastered when my parents would confront me with questions about my whereabouts the night before. I stalled. I talked to the person on my left. I adjusted my napkin. I took time to smile at all the other guests – the whole time watching carefully to see which fork my dignified boyfriend picked up first.
Many years later I was asked to write with, and for, Marjabelle Stewart, dubbed the Empress of Etiquette by TIME magazine. I learned more about table manners than anyone could ever need to know. In Marjabelle’s mind there was nothing more important in life than good manners. While I didn’t share her intense passion, I had been embarrassed enough by my ignorance of the subject to pay close attention to her lessons.
At that first formal dinner my dignity was not in serious jeopardy. After all, people find it kind of cute when they see that recognizable look of terror cross the face of a young person who is seeing a formal dinner setting for the first time. It’s fun to help a young person acquire the skills they lack. But there’s nothing cute about a 50+ business person who spits her food as she talks, laughs too loud in a restaurant, or eats the bread off of your bread plate.
Just for kicks, let’s review a few of those etiquette rules we may have forgotten:
- Place your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down. When you leave the table, loosely fold your napkin and place it to the left of your plate. Some etiquette experts advise placing it on your chair if you leave to go to the restroom, but if you do, you run the risk of getting food on the chair and sitting in it when you pick up your napkin and sit down again.
- If you don’t know which piece of flatware to use first, start from the outside and work your way toward the plate. On the left of your plate are the forks. The largest fork is for the entrée. The second, smaller fork is for salad. If there’s another fork the same size as the salad fork, it’s for fish. The smallest fork on the outside is the seafood fork for shrimp, clams, oysters, etc. The seafood fork could also show up resting inside the soup spoon on your right.
- To the right of your plate are the soup spoon, the fish knife and the dinner knife. The fish knife is a small, pointed knife.
- Any flatware above your plate is for dessert.
- Your bread plate is always on your left, usually above your forks. The butter knife is usually placed on the bread plate.
- Your glass, or glasses, will be above your dinner knife. The largest glass is the water goblet. If there are two wine glasses, the largest is for red wine, the smaller for white.
- When not using your utensils, rest them on the edge of your plate – never on the table cloth. It’s messy. When you’re finished eating, place your knife and fork diagonally on your plate at the four o’clock position.
- It’s okay to share food, as long as it’s done discreetly and with a little finesse. Place a bite of your food on the bread plate, or on the edge of your companion’s plate for tasting.
- Even when you’re enjoying a nostalgic lunch with a group of female friends, try no to laugh like a hyena when you re-live a particularly hilarious moment from the past. Marjabelle always advocated speaking in low, intimate tones at the table - and never about topics that could make anyone feel uncomfortable, like your recent colonoscopy, how much you despise the Republicans, or your dire financial straits.
- If you notice a “small beast” floating in your water glass do not bring it to the attention of anyone else at the table. Discreetly hand the glass to your server and ask for a fresh glass.
- You can put on lipstick at the table, but not your mascara, powder or hairspray. (I hope you knew that.)
Some of it is common sense. Some of it may seem pretentious. But good manners make even the most down-to-earth among us seem elegant – just like Cinderella.
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