Aging is a Journey Worth Taking

I prop myself on one elbow, beginning the process of getting out of bed, still groggy from my sleeping pill. I roll into a standing position and wait for a few seconds until the blood has reached my legs and the kinks have begun to leave my muscles. The first step, as always, is the hardest - working the arthritic stiffness out of the knees and ankles. 

The real challenge still looms ahead – that first glance in the full-length mirror that I cannot avoid on my way to the bathroom. I knew a long time ago the mirror should go. That reflection can set the tone for a depressing morning.

Worse yet is the next reflection I see – my face. Eyes puffy and red, age spots illuminated by bright overhead lighting. Who is this person??  Fortunately the eyes have dimmed enough that the horror is only partially visible.

I shuffle into the kitchen and groan as I reach down to grab a diet soda on the lowest shelf of the refrigerator. Bending didn’t used to be an ordeal. The caffeine gives me the energy required to step onto the treadmill and start it on low. Realizing I must move my feet or be thrown off the back of the treadmill motivates me to walk. Grudgingly I take the first step. The body is beginning to come back to life.

Facing the day is still impossible until the shower is finished and the makeup is on. Finally, the eyes are fully open, the hair has been molded into place, and the eyebrows have been applied. I look presentable again. People will meet me and say, “Why, you certainly don’t LOOK fifty-seven!” They should have seen me an hour ago.

This is the period of my day when I hate being “older."  There are too many comparisons to the way my body was before the onset of this wonderful mid-life period. I didn’t use to require sleeping pills that leave me groggy. The joints were not always stiff. I once was greeted with a perky reflection in the mirror – even the first glance in the morning. There was a time when putting one foot in front of the other did not require the assistance of a caffeinated beverage.

I had eyebrows then, and baby smooth skin without age spots. But I didn’t like my reflection – perky as it may have been. I think because I didn’t like the person inside all that much. That person still thought that every evil in the world needed to be corrected before I could be happy, that every rejection was cause for self-loathing, and that no one would ever love me the way I needed to be loved.

Getting the body moving was easier, but I didn’t have a clear picture of where I wanted it to go.  Life seemed always to be a journey upstream, uphill or up-for-grabs. I didn’t need substances to help me sleep. I didn’t even really need sleep.  But when I climbed into bed at midnight or 1 AM, it wasn’t with the untroubled contentment of the person today who knows the children have been well-raised, the house is paid for and the marriage is rock-steady.

We trade so much for the comfort of these “later years."  I miss many of the things lost, and sometimes despise the pains that aging has brought. The body hurts more, and my heart hurts more – from friends and family, and even beloved pets that I loved deeply before they left this world. But, oh the wisdom each of those loves and losses brought me. Every single love now is valued a thousand times more than the loves I had in those self-obsessed days before I knew that love could be lost instantly and forever. 

I savor every movement of my body – painful or not – because I have seen it deteriorate enough to realize that the time is now to appreciate this gift of a body that still works, when some at my age have lost the ability to swing a badminton racquet with the kids, or roll around on the floor with a new puppy.

I care more now about who I can love than who might love me.  And even though I miss my eyebrows, I truly have come to believe in my heart that I am more than eyebrows, unlined skin, and a longing need to be loved. I am still growing - but complete - and grateful every day for the lessons I continue to learn on this wonderful journey.

Comments

[emiko]

Just a quick note to tell you how much i enjoy reading your articles. i appreciate your sense of humor in expressing your thoughts about the aging process. It is an inevitable part of life, and for most people it is a scary journey to the unknown. The obvious and the subtle physical changes, the unknown aches and pains, lack of confidence in one's ability to heal etc. are parts of this process. We are constantly bombarded with quick fixes from botox to fad diets that feed into our need to look younger. The marketers of the world has done a good job of promoting the young for sure. So it is with great joy that i read your column and feel hopeful. Being older is definitely more interesting. There is more to think about, feel about and enjoy. For me, life is the sum total of who we are at the moment, and the more experience we have, the richer we are.