Go Ahead - Be Selfish!

“YOU ARE BEING JUST PLAIN SELFISH!”

Those words could cut the heart out of every young girl growing up in the 50s. There simply wasn’t a more heinous crime against mankind than being selfish – if you were a girl.  Being “nice”, being considerate of others, being unselfish – those were the hallmarks of a well-raised young woman.

I once joined a therapy group to get more in touch with myself. Our psychiatrist- facilitator urged me to let my feelings out by expressing my anger at everyone who had abused me. “Yell at your sister for bullying you,” he insisted. “Scream obscenities at your lousy ex-husband.”

I couldn’t. Yelling back really went against the grain with me. I was taught that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And I lived by that rule.

My life in the business world has made me tougher. I’ve learned to say “no” to telemarketing fundraisers, and suppliers who drop in unannounced. But I still find it next to impossible to say “no” to my daughter when she wants a ride to a friend’s house, even though I’ve worked a long day and have a raging headache. I could NEVER turn down my friend’s children when they are selling frozen pies or bags of really gross candy for a school fundraiser. And I will suffer through the most tedious family events because Aunt Ethel would be hurt if I didn’t attend.

I’m 57 years old and I still find it inconceivable to put my own feelings before almost anyone else’s. My friend Lynne recently said to me over lunch, “We don’t have time to not do what WE want to do.” Lynne is usually right about these things. I’m certain she is right this time. 

At this point in life we absolutely MUST start taking care of our psyches, as well as our bodies. We need to ask for help when we need it. We need to say “no” to the things we don’t want to do, just because we don’t want to do them. We need to take time to be alone with ourselves, to exercise, or to commiserate with girlfriends our own age who understand where we’re at in life. We need to hire a cleaning lady, or start a new career, or retire and do nothing but stare out the window for a month if that makes us feel good. We need to tell our kids and husbands that they can get along without us from time to time. We need to stop being so darned nice and be a little bit selfish.

Because Lynne said so – and she’s usually right about these things!

Comments

[M.K.]

I do so love this blog. You put in actual print that it's okay to do or think in ways that were, up until my recent awakening, somehow unacceptable. I'm really worn out trying to be a pleaser and you are now telling me "stop it". Yea for you!!

I was raised in the land of nun-induced guilt and - not only was I a bad person to put myself in first position - I think there were threats of venial or mortal sins attached to that behavior. We were to pattern our lives to be "in the image and likeness of God". Ironic, since before and after these catechism lessons, young children were being subjected to terrible molestations in the name of God and good. Oh, well, that's another story.

I've stopped feeling guilty saying no to committees and
Board service. I love staying in bed all day on a rainy Sunday with a book and glass of Chardonnay while the laundry rises in the hamper and dinner is popcorn (with tons of butter). My husband has yet to concede that popcorn IS a food group but he goes along with the new guiltless me and quietly sits down with his dinner of Cheerios and strawberries. Thanks for helping.